I hatched my plan to do this some time ago, but have had some reservations. I know that there are quite a few widows out there and we range in age quite a bit. When it first happened in my life I felt completely lost with nowhere to turn for support. I went to counseling twice, and found
that I was looking at my watch hoping the hour would be over. NOW! That was my second visit and I didn’t go back.
When John first passed away I reached out to someone that I thought was my friend to ask for advice on what to do now. She had lost her husband about 2 years prior. Her response was pretty much, “you’re on your own girl”… good luck. I was a little blown away by what seemed like a very uncompassionate response. I haven’t spoken with her since.
It was then that I went looking for something to help me get through the days. I looked online and wished that there was a forum where I could ask questions and just find a group of people that knew what I was going through. I didn’t have any success with that. THEN…I started to book travel. Getting out of the house that I shared with John was a little helpful, and it made me think of something besides how lonely I am without him.
A little back story…John and I met in Edmonton when he was 24 and I was just barely 18. We dated for two years and got married in 1982. We had a great marriage, probably as great as it can get in a very realistic way. We overcame huge obstacles and some things that would have for sure destroyed our marriage. We had 3 beautiful children, and yes, at some points we totally stayed together for the kids’ sake. We grew, we cried, we overcame. We had such a great adventure together. Something we really did well was travel together and laugh together, holy shit… I miss the laughter the most.
In July of 2014 John had an issue with a lump in his foot. He was sent for a CT scan. The results from that showed a little spot on his lung and something on his liver. He broke down when he told me. My response was that it was detected early and he hadn’t met all of his grandchildren yet. We would take care of this. He was sent to a specialist that diagnosed him with something called Sarcoidosis and was treated with copious amounts of Prednisone. The meds were horrible but the Dr. said they were helping, and we always believe our Dr. (Bad Idea).
Our daughter was getting married in the summer of 2015 and John felt pretty crappy but was confident that he was getting better. In November we went to Cabo and he was soooo sick. We really didn’t go out very much. When I look at pictures now, yikes, he hardly looked like himself.
When we got home from Mexico John just got worse. The Dr. said it was a side effect of coming off of Prednisone. By December 15 John could hardly breathe and I took him into emergency at our local hospital. By mid-afternoon on December 16 the Dr. came in to let him know that he has stage 4 lung cancer and it is on his liver too. It was stifling news!! John was turning 60 in January. We weren’t going to have a party for him had he been healthy because he didn’t like the attention. He did however suggest a goodbye party. Oh my heart, what a guy. The kids booked a hall and everyone that he had ever known that could be reached was invited. People lined up to talk to him and he talked to everyone that was there. I was and still am so proud of the man that he was. That was January 16, he passed away January 25th.
I guess it really doesn’t matter how he died, the point is that he did and now I’m a 53 year old widow whose life has completely changed.
I reached out. There really isn’t that much help out there. Every case is different because every marriage and couple are different. Length of illness and the way we lose our spouse is also different. From the time of exact diagnosis to John’s passing was 6 weeks. Not a lot of time to make any kind of a plan or talk too much about what might come next.
I spent the better part of 33 years in our marriage supporting John in his dreams and endeavors. Not complaining at all. Those dreams were grand and we made a good life together because of them. We worked well together. Now I need to figure out what I’m going to do. I was a good wife and ran a good household. I am very grateful that I also managed the money and paid the bills. Having a good grasp on all of that has been a blessing.
In March of 2016 my cousin in NFLD passed away. She was diagnosed in the fall of 2015 with a glioblastoma brain tumor and was gone by the end of March… I couldn’t not go to her funeral and my sisters and I thought it very important that our mum get there. She wouldn’t make the trip alone so I went with her. That was the beginning of my wandering.
And so it begins… The Wandering Widow: Re-learning life after a great love!
